haiz.............. i so vexed n frustrated these days!!! i dunno wat to do............ i feel tt Jesus is holding my hand while i'm the one hu wanna let go.......... so many months of holidays n i din work.............. neither did i go to the "mountain"...... felt very guilty... everytime i wanna take out the Bible i sianded liaoz... when i'm reading i juz felt tt i'm reading a book lor....... God help me!! i wanna pray........ but i'm lazy............ juz said some breath prayer n bedtime prayers n tt's it!(besides saying grace) i wanna be in God's presence everyday n moment of my life but it's juz so difficult! it's like i'm hungry n i'm too lazy to eat!! haiz.................... n my relationship w my brother.... i dunno wat's over me.. whenever i see him i sianded.. see wat he do everyday n the pple he's mixing with.. everyday he's juz practically doing nothing lor... ask him to study he dun wan.. is this how an O level student is supposed to behave? no! seeing my family's financial stituation he juz couldn't be bothered! switch on the air-con n switching on the light in his room when he's out in the living room! using the com, listening to songs, playing guitar n watching tv all @ the same time!! i really cannot stand it!! afternoon when i wake up i saw his fan in the room still on!! every wk g12 switch on the air con in the rm n we're out in the living rm for abt 2 hrs!! cleaning up of the house b4 n after g12 is always me! when i dun do n my mum saw she'll scold me n not my brother!!! he's such a jerk! a bastard! coming home late b4 g12 n gng someone's house after g12!! is this a home fellowship HOST supposed to be?!?!?!?!?! i've nv known someone like him b4!! every month can go play pool n watch movie!! i wonder where his money come from?! he failed every subject in sch n is still having this stupid attitude abt his studies! i dunno how he's gng to take his O levels this yr! i gave him notes n he juz chuckedit aside! i gave it to my frens hu got study n got a scolding frm my mum! is this fair?!?!?!?! i'm really sick of this kind of lifestyle!!! n being in the sound ministry.... i really like to be there.... but sometimes when i'm on duty i can't concentrate!! i wanna listen to the sermon n worhip n doing the sound @ the same time.. but i juz can't concentrate.. i'm not a person hu can multi task.. i'm really very bothered whether i should step down or not... but i really dun wan...after so long n we learned onli this bit of things.. i wanna learn more but i think pastor MY n wee leng is not free or sth like tt.. n i'm stagnant now.. i really love technical stuffs n i think it's a talent God has given me.. i dun wanna put it to a waste n tt God has to take it away.. sometimes i really feel like stopping to go church.. coz it's juz like a routine to me.. every friday, sun go church... wed g12 which i haf to trouble.. sat sports or outreach.. piang...... i really cannot stand it!!!!!!!! God help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! n i juz read an article by david wilkerson... it really touches my heart if i can say.. m i really filled w the Holy Spirit? haiz.. it's a very tough qn to me.. i dun wanna be juz baptized by the Spirit but i wanna be touched! a genuine touch! sometimes i really feel tt i'm grieving the Holy Spirit.. i dun wanna be like this! i wan a break thru!! lazy n pride!!!!! i dun wan!!! haiz................................................ computer n tv is all i think abt.. church is a routine....... so wat's my relationship w GOD??????? i really dunno............................................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
